Tussling with ‘can’t-be-bothered-ness’
So, I have come to these pages to just go with the flow of how I am feeling. I have come here to do something different to what I normally do. I have come here to ‘air out’ my relationship to the ‘can’t-be-bothered-ness’. I tapped on ‘it’ this morning (used emotional freedom technique) in order to reduce the amount of cortisol that runs through my veins just at the thought of ‘can’t-be-bothered-ness’. I have come here to ‘air out’ the shame surrounding it. I have come here to speak freely about it, to it and for it.
This writing has been triggered by a message from *Sheila whom I keep thinking about and meaning to call. Even them having had the covid-19 virus has not moved me far away from the ‘can’t-be-bothered-ness’ to actually call them. Sheila has stayed in touch with everyone. I have read stuff on Whatsapp but very rarely have I responded due to this long and enduring relationship to ‘can’t-be-bothered-ness’. For the sake of ‘social acceptance’, I call it another name. “I’m just a very quiet and private person and I keep myself to myself.” That sounds more palatable to some I guess or, it just keeps people away.
In a lot of ways, I have done pretty well and can actually feel and connect to that at times. I still have a schedule of work that I do from home. The work falls between delivering talking therapies both in private practice and on behalf of a small community organisation. I also continue to teach Zumba Fitness, Zumba Toning, (the newly re-named) Strong Nation and HIIT classes online. I am moved to say that I don’t quite know how I have managed to continue in the way I have. Well, I, kind of, do. It’s down to Frank. If he hadn’t sorted out the technological side of things, I would have been up shit creek without a paddle! It’s been tough to make it look so easy to just keep going, but I have been doing so as if my life depends on it. To some degree it does. Well, life as I know it, anyway.
On a feeling level, I could have just sat and done nothing. This feeds into the ‘can’t-be-bothered-ness’ of which I spoke about at the beginning of this entry. I think it has been around since I was a child but gathered momentum in response to some losses over the years; *Aunty Veronica, Rose, James, Miriam, Mum, Helen and less than a year ago, Edward (father in law). There is obviously a part of me that continues even though the ‘can’t-be-bothered-ness’ has me wanting to just stop and do nothing (for ever!). I can’t and won’t turn against the ‘can’t-be-bothered-ness’. It has a purpose in my life. It teaches me to pause when it all just becomes too much. Just as covid-19 has pretty much forced practically the whole world to stop and take notice by taking the lives of many people, it has also invited us to notice our home lives and all who dwell there plus a Compassionate review of how we and others live life in general . I have one foot in ‘Panic’ and another in ‘Comfort’. These are not either/or experiences I have my feet in. I write this at a time I have food, shelter and resources to have work carried out on our home. I am grateful for my family (when they do not trigger my last nerve!), health and life. There are many that are not as fortunate!
I acknowledge the ‘can’t-be-bothered-ness’ and I monitor it. I notice that any act of self-compassion and/or compassion for others brings the ‘can’t-be-bothered-ness’ into some kind of balance. It is very much a part of me, but it isn’t all of who I am. I am reacquainted with my natural afro-textured hair which is currently in two-strand twists which I really like. I see myself working with the hair I have from now on. I hadn’t planned for this to happen until next year. Well, the opportunity has arisen, and I am taking it. I do miss singing and connecting with people in the way I did before but, shielding our existing elder is of the upmost importance and the reason we haven’t left the house since Saturday 21st March 2020 (9 weeks exactly). We have a garden, a patio and lots of space so, this hasn’t exactly been a struggle as far as external things are concerned! However, the mind works in mysterious ways.
My CPD is going to be learning EFT (emotional freedom technique) better known as ‘tapping’. Research has shown this method to be useful to folks who have been traumatised by lessening cortisol from rushing around the body. I am looking forward to this and hopefully, being able to help clients and whomever may find it useful. Gosh! What would happen if I could be bothered?
*All names have been changed
Photo by Paweł Czerwiński